Disappointments

What a disappointment. I have a journal, but I'm too lazy to take out a pen and write in it. Might as well post this on the internet since it's much easier for people to find it, read it, and do whatever else snoopers do. I sill have my journal and write in it, but there are times I just want to write. I become frustrated when the pen doesn't flow smoothly over the paper. I probably just need a better pen and higher quality paper, but this is the easier solution and the cheaper solution.

Why is this titled "Disappointments?" Quite frankly, life is full of them. I probably should throw some caveat on here that not everyone's life is full of disappointments, but I feel like mine is, and consequently, I will generalize and say that EVERYONE'S life is full of them. Now to the meat and potatoes.

Today was a disappoint-full day. Three specifically come to mind. I'll go from easiest to explain to more complicated. That way, anyone who finds this will become bored, if they aren't already, and exit my life and resume their own.

When you want something, you need to tell people. You need to shout it from the roof tops and in the streets. If people don't know you want it, how are you ever going to get it? Yes, you can try to do it all by your lonesome, but every once and a while, we need a helping hand. You must communicate. Interestingly, it took me a long time to realize this. I didn't realize this until about an hour ago when I found out something that could have been mine was given to someone else because I did not mention that I wanted it. This isn't a tangible. This is an intangible. The nit and gritty of it is that I wanted to have a title and did not receive it. In hindsight, after an hour of being pissed off and wanting to smash my hand repeatedly until the pain in my hand overwhelmed the pain I was experiencing. I didn't hit anything, but I should have.

Although I was about as ambiguous as I could be about the aforementioned intangible title, I left it that way because it is just a title. I wanted the responsibility. Finding purpose has always been hard for me. I don't really see the purpose in going to school except that it is required to get a decent job for which to sustain an existence in the world. I want to life, so I go to school.

My next disappointment involves my brain. I know I was intelligent and smart in high school. Aside from the fact that high school is much easier than college. I never struggled in high school and rarely had homework. Now I'm in college, and my brain barely comprehends the material in one of my classes. I read papers about EM guns and find myself rereading the same paragraph several times before I eventually give up and move on to something else. I stare at equations in my Semiconductor Physics and Devices book and KNOW that I should be able to figure out what the equation means. I can't though. The material isn't difficult because there are moments when everything clicks. It didn't used to be that way, and I blame myself. I hope after taking my Electronic Properties of Semiconductors class I'm able to function at a better level than I did before starting the class.

My final disappointment lies with a person. Well, there are several people I am disappointed with, but this one in particular is at the forefront. I see in her a lot of potential. But, I see some of that potential being pissed away by youth and experience. These two things are disproportionately present. She has a lot of youth but not much experience, at least in the areas which are causing her to throw her potential away. I don't talk to her much because if I did, I would be pissed every day. The way things are now I like going several days without being angry. I try to be as carefree and happy as possible. I am thankful everyday for what I have and what's to come. However, when I talk with her, I get pissed. I'm not going to tell her she shouldn't do something, although I think she is taking drinking to a dangerous level. She needs to figure things out. Our parents can't hold our hands. Eventually, they die, or we precede them to death. Bottom line, I need to take a break from talking with her. I am to the point where I can't keep my disappointment to myself, and I don't want to fuck with her life by influencing it, if I can influence it at all. I just hope I don't hear about her getting her stomach pumped. She isn't at that level currently, but everyone has one night where shit gets unraveled and lose control.

I'm hard to deal with and even harder to please. I try to be nice because I know I am stubborn chauvinist asshole. Well, maybe not a chauvinist, but I am definitely the other two things. If you made it this far, tell me. I'll think of a reward.